First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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