Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
