seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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