You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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