Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize