loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
