You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's never too late to be topless.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
