The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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