yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
