So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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