Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
