I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
