Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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