If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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