I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
