So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
