Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
