I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
