what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
