i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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