you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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