I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
