Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
don't judge my taste in strippers
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
