My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Randomize
