My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
