so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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