I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
