I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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