Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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