Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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