the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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