Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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