You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
