my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
