He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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