Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
