At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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