Who wears a wallet chain?!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
