I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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