I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
