Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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