my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
