its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
