I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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