those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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