It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
