put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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