I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
