Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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