you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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