someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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