My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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