you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
