i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
