I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize