i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Drunk is a universal language darling
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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