Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Terrible idea I love it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
