making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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