I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
