Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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