Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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