I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
