There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
