Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
