Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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