I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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