I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
