I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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