At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
