and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
