I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
