Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize