we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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