my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
