Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
